


Twist and Shout

by malevolentstorm



Series: Everything's better with blackmail. [4]
Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Humour, M/M, Twister - Freeform, and a lack of social decorum, harry and eggsy need to either develop shame, innapropriateness, merlin is long suffering, or a sense of boundaries, seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-19
Updated: 2016-05-19
Packaged: 2018-06-09 10:20:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6901945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malevolentstorm/pseuds/malevolentstorm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Watching the two spies on the twister mat in front of him, shedding what little dignity they had, Merlin couldn't help but be grateful he was purely the 'spinner'. He was not, however, grateful to be there. He should have known that this would be too much of a golden opportunity for them to let slip - there was PDA and then there was... whatever this was</p>
            </blockquote>





	Twist and Shout

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so I know I'm meant to be writing the paintball one, and I am I swear, but i had the idea for this few months ago and I couldnt not, so I decided to finish it up as an apology for taking so long with the other one...

"You do realise human bodies are not meant to bend this way”

“That’s what you think”

Merlin surveyed the two before him and was reminded just why he was so intensely grateful he had ‘drawn the short straw’ and was filling the role of Spinner. On the mat, shedding any dignity they may have had (which, let's face it, these two didn’t), Harry and Eggsy were playing a very vicious game of twister.

As usual Merlin was left confused as to how they got into this situation, but had no doubts that the younger agent was to blame.

“Alright Eggsy, left foot yellow.”

How this move was achieved was one for the books - much like Harry had stated earlier, Merlin was fairly certain that the way Eggsy was contorting his body defied both the laws of physics, and his biological structure. Really it was an unfair fight, Harry had neither the advantage of age nor the past experience that Eggsy had as a gymnast - and yet somehow he was still going. Merlin rather hoped that he would regret it in the morning, if he wasn’t regretting it already. Then again Harry hadn’t managed to survive being an agent for this long using charm and luck alone and had quite an itinerary of skills tucked away, so maybe not.

“Merlin hurry the fuck up!” 

He rolled his eyes and flicked the spinner. This was going to get interesting fast. Although given the past exploits of the two Merlin was unsure as to why he was aiding and abetting this game which was going to end one of two ways. He prayed for the outcome that resulted in less bleach; be it brain bleach or normal bleach.

“Harry move your right hand to red.”

“Merlin. The closest red is at the other end of this mat.”

“What a shame. Move it or you forfeit.” He grinned sadistically. Harry groaned before arching backwards and twisting his torso round to reach the spot indicated.

“Ha!”

“Yes well done I’m very impressed. Eggsy, right foot yellow”

“Easy bruv”

 The younger agent grinned up at him as he moved. Merlin had to admit that of the two Eggsy was getting the easier positions - currently he was in what was essentially a race starting position; hands spread out to the sides and one foot directly behind the other. Harry however was in a more twisted position, feet crossed over at opposite ends of the mat and hands tangled up like headphones in a pocket.

“Ok so Harry,” he span the needle, “right foot green”.

“My right foot is already on green”

“Put it on a different green then, you know how this game works.”

There was a brief staring match between the two before Harry gave in. On the upside his feet were closer together now. On the downside, to achieve this he’d had to maneuver himself around Eggsy. Contact between the two of them at this point was somewhat unavoidable. How they’d avoided it up to now was a mystery. Merlin was very tempted to lie about the spins in order to manipulate the game to his advantage - not that he wanted either to win but if they could be at least be separated for a bit longer that would be great. Once the touching began Merlin had no doubts that the game would very quickly descend into something he’d rather not witness.

Judging by the position the two were in now however, contact was both imminent and inescapable. Harry had somehow wiggled under Eggsy to reach the spot he needed. It was clear that their bodies had met and Merlin was not going to discount the idea that it was done on purpose. The somewhat filthy look that shot across Harry’s face as he realized exactly where certain parts of his body were positioned in regards to Eggsy, the contact was going to be used as leverage to win the game; something that immediately confirmed Merlin’s greatest fears.

He put a stop to that particular train of thought. He’d already seen far more of his friend than he needed to thanks to his inability to keep it in his pants. There were many situations he’d lived through that he’d rather not repeat thank you very much. The two on the mat had little to no shame and would take almost any opportunity to rile him up. If he was lucky their extraordinarily competitive natures may kick in long enough for the game to end and for him to escape. Only if he was lucky though. Clearing his throat he raise his voice, “I would at this point, like to step in and remind you that cheating is against the rules and if you attempt to do so I will make sure that you forfeit the game.”

Harry just looked at him innocently. “I would never cheat Merlin. I’m offended you think I’d have to sink to such depths to win a silly little game of twister.”

Harry may have been every inch as charming as he liked to think he was but he should have known better. Merlin had known him for years and knew exactly what he was doing. Needless to say he remained stony faced and unimpressed.

“I don’t _think_ you would Hart. I _know_ you would.” Seeing Harry open his mouth, no doubt in order to make some sort of witty comment, he quickly spun the spinner and gave Eggsy his next move. “Eggsy, right hand green”.

This particular move proved to be a mistake. Eggsy’s hand, or one of them, was now by one of Harry’s feet - which left Eggsy’s face perilously close to Harry’s crotch. God damn it. He gave Harry a stern look. Harry stared right back and shifted slightly.

“No cheating Hart.”

“Why do you always call me Hart when you’re pissed,” Harry pondered out loud before continuing with an almost guileless expression, “besides, we never actually established what cheating would be. Other than the basic rules of do not touch the floor and do not put your weight on or tickle the opponent.” Almost guileless. Not quite.

“Hate to say it Merlin mate, but I’m fairly certain Hazza here has a point. It’s too late to introduce new rules now.” Eggsy chimed in, twisting his face away from Harry’s crotch in order to join the conversation.

“Don’t call me that”.

“Sorry-not-sorry luv.”

Merlin sighed. He hated it when Harry was right. The only way out of this situation now was a through a winner emerging. Something that didn’t seem likely now that they had cottoned on to his discomfort. If there was anything Harry loved more than his job (that wasn’t Eggsy), it was winding his friend up. A hobby of his that Eggsy seemed to have picked up and joined in on. That in itself may not have been so bad, but unfortunately for everyone at the agency, the two of them did not seem to have the part of the brain responsible for shame or basic respect of social boundaries. When this was combined with a general lack of care and ‘forgetfulness’ (Merlin had his doubts about how much was genuine forgetfulness and how much was intentional) and the mental well-being of others, it often led to some rather traumatising events. Traumatising for everyone else at least. Harry and Eggsy always seemed to be rather enjoying themselves. “Right then, moving swiftly onwards - Harry, left foot red.”

 Merlin looked on in immense satisfaction as Harry attempted to stretch himself out across the twister board even further.  His crotch moved slightly away from Eggsy’s face in the process - Merlin directed a quick thank you at the ceiling. He prayed too soon however. Eggsy at this point, still had one hand free, which allowed him to reach out and touch Harry some more in an attempt to put him off balance. Merlin quickly abandoned his spinner.

 Well he spun it, he just lied about it, “Eggsy, kindly take your left hand off Harry and put it on red.” This move made Eggsy rather precariously balanced, which meant he was far too preoccupied to distract Harry. Unfortunately it also meant that he was half stretched out under Harry, the left side of his torso now in full contact with Harry’s. Merlin sighed. There was truly no escape. He flicked the spinner, “Harry - left hand red”.

“Merlin two of my limbs are on red already, are you actually flicking the spinner?”

“Of course I am,” Merlin stated truthfully. He hadn’t on the last go but that wasn’t what Harry asked. Judging by the way Harry’s eyes narrowed to slits, he realized that Merlin wasn't being entirely truthful. He clearly decided that it was not worth the effort to argue, as he sighed and started to move around again.

This move actually allowed Harry to untangle his hands and made his position much more sturdy. Meaning the game was likely to continue for a while longer, much to Merlin's despair. He really really didn’t want to be here - why it had ever seemed like a good idea in the first place is anyone's guess. It probably had something to do with Eggsy and his ridiculously well-honed powers of persuasion. Something that allowed him to excel in the field but made him hard to put up with when it meant you kept ending up in these kinds of situation. The less said about the paint-balling event the better.

Merlin had considered calling Roxy for backup - considered it to the extent that he had actually attempted to contact her. After all, a trouble shared is a trouble halved after all. Or at least, a trouble shared means you have someone to suffer with. Unfortunately she had not answered the call - and seeing as it was one of her rare days off he couldn’t really begrudge her that.

Merlin noticed how Eggsy was shifting closer to Harry again and quickly spun the spinner again - this would either improve or worsen the situation. It would also ensure the end was nearer. “Eggsy put your left hand on Yellow”

Eggsy groaned and moved his hand back underneath him. “Merlin mate, y’do realize that 3 of my limbs are now on the same colour. Y’need to change yer tune man”

“I’ll bear that in mind.” Merlin said, grinning internally. Luckily that particular move had worked in his favour. Eggsy had been forced to shift away from Harry’s crotch in order to accomplish the act of moving across the twister board. However, the game was not yet won and he couldn’t just stop there. No matter how much he wanted to. He reluctantly reached for the spinner. “Harry, left foot green”

Harry considered the mat he was stretched across. No matter which green he chose, he was still going to be stretched even further across the board. He clearly had two doable options here. One was trickier than the other but had the advantage of pissing Merlin off. He smirked. It really was a no brainer. He contorted his body around, deliberately making eye-contact with the tech genius, before twisting his left leg around the other and sliding it back under Eggsy over to the green spot.

Merlin glared at him. The bugger had done it one purpose. He’d placed a large amount of his body mass in as close to Eggsy as he possibly could. They were now once more physically touching in a lot of places. Eggsy looked up at him and winked before nudging his head over to where it once again hovered near Harry’s crotch. This is not what he’d signed up for. He swallowed a frustrated scream and spun the dial. Fuck. “Eggsy, right hand red.” He smiled grimly as Eggsy groaned, at least he wasn’t the only one suffering.

Eggsy reached for the red circle on the opposite side of the board. The move wasn’t too difficult as it did not result in any crossed limbs, however it did result in his body moving across the mat in a direction that moved up and across Harry’s body. In close proximity. Merlin closed his eyes. He knew Eggsy was deliberately dragging the move out, making the slow drag of his body against Harry’s last for a time that was far longer than necessary. He looked to the heavens and prayed. It was not the first time the pair had driven him to this, nor would it be the last.

When he opened his eyes the movement had ended and the two were smiling at each other. Obnoxiously. He cleared his throat and spun the needle. Fuck. “...Harry, right foot blue”. Why was he still here, he didn’t need this, he was a good person; mostly. Although, looking at Harry’s current positioning, the move looked to be a very difficult one and may end the game. By God he hoped it would end the game. How the two agents before him had managed to keep most of their bodies touching in the same areas for so long was beside him. Harry was still currently looking up towards the ceiling, with eggsy facing down at him - his face dangerously close to intimate parts of Harry’s anatomy. This was soon to change.

Harry looked around the board and considered the angles. Time to pull out the fancy footwork. He stretched his foot up and over, planting it on a blue circle that was much closer to his hip joint than the green spot had been. Unfortunately having his legs this crossed over was incredibly uncomfortable, luckily for Harry he had a plan. Breathing in deeply he tensed all his muscles and worked up a boost of power. Then without warning he pushed up and twisted his entire body around in a move that almost defied the very laws of the universe itself. This resulted in his legs were being uncrossed and his arms crossing over, which were now stretched out in front of him as he looked downwards. He tilted his head up and grinned smugly at Merlin. Not only was the bastard still in the game, but he was also in almost full body contact with Eggsy.

Merlin sighed and briefly contemplated different manners of revenge before giving in and once more flicking the spinner. There was really very little he could do - unfortunately he had far more shame than these two and may end up embarrassing himself more than they would. “Eggsy, left foot on yellow.”

“Got it bruv”. In a stunning move that would have been impressive if not for Harry’s earlier movement he swung his leg over from where it had been crossing over hit other leg and found a yellow spot that was closer to his hand. This had the added benefit of propelling his body into the air and, more importantly, away from Harry. “Y’really like makin’ me put my limbs on yellow don’t you bruv”.  Merlin grinned, he may not have been choosing the colours for the limbs but it was true that Eggsy tended to have his limbs on yellow whilst harry moved constantly back and forth across the mat - it seemed as if his legendary luck, the same luck that helped him survive being shot in the head, didn’t work when applied to board games. On top of that it seemed as if fate had stepped in to spare him from any more ridiculously intimate touching and taken it upon herself to separate them. Hopefully the game would end before it reconvened or got out of hand.

He spun the spinner.

“Ok Harry put your right hand on a red”.

“Once again Merlin, it’s already on a fucking red.

“And Eggsy’s foot was already on a yellow. I don’t care, put it on a different red and quit whining”. Merlin had to admit that there was a benefit to how Harry now faced the floor, and that was that it made a lot more difficult for him to communicate through the snarky disappointed eyebrow language that he was so good at. Harry sighed and began to move his arms - untwisting them in the process. The position that he ended up in was rather reminiscent of a downward dog - with the exception that one of his feet was still rather close to his face. The issue with this was that, much like in the downward dog, the position pushed Harry’s arse right up into the air and back into contact with Eggsy. Really rather close to Eggsy’s groin. Far too close for Merlin's liking.

Before Harry could make a snarky comment or act upon his new position Merlin flicked the spinner around once more sighing internally and reading it aloud. This was it. This was the end of the game - even if no-one lost he was leaving. Unless Eggsy surprised him and didn’t aim for the spot Merlin feared he would. “Eggsy, left hand red”. Eggsy blatantly surveyed the mat and the options available for him, looked up, and smirked. As Eggsy slid his body over Harry’s to reach the spot next to Harry’s hand, splaying himself over Harry’s back, Merlin experienced an intense sensation of Deja Vu, the move eerily similar to one he had made earlier on in the game.

When he’d finished moving Eggsy lent his head down just a little bit to whisper something in Harry’s ear. Harry grinned wolfishly in a manner that made Merlin’s earlier decision to just leave start to edge into reality. Harry looked up and locked eyes with him before slowly and deliberately pushing his hips back until his entire back was pressed up against Eggsy. Eggsy’s crotch was now without a doubt pressed  snugly up against Harry’s backside. Eggsy dropped his head to Harry’s back and let out a little huff of air and Harry’s eye’s seemed to get a little hazy.

Merlin shot to his feet. He refused to deal with this, he was not paid enough to deal with this, he was leaving. Eggsy did something to Harry’s neck that resulted in a rather strangled groan and Merlin attempted to sprint to the exit without looking like he was sprinting. Judging by the snigger that erupted behind him before getting abruptly cut off by something that he did not want to know about he had failed. The door was too far away, why was it so distant. There was a thump from behind him and more noises. Throwing dignity to the wind he ran, grabbed the door and slammed it shut behind him.

He was never playing twister again.

**Author's Note:**

> ...and then Merlin realised that the door wasnt soundproof and legged it down the corridor.  
>  The comment about paintball is of course a reference to 'Its not cheating', which I promise I am working on  
> As always both comments, kudos and constructive criticism are incredibly welcome. (the 3c's?)


End file.
